glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
