I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
