in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
