lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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