good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
