Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
