My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
