I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
