i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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