I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
