It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
