Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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