Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
