Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize