Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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