I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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