Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
