happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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