I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
