My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The air taste purple.
Randomize
