rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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