He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
