I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
