six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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