After last night, I could never be a politician.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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