I think I won the penis lottery.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
