Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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