Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I lost the right to judge tonight
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize