remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize