Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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