It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
