yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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