does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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