You don't have asthma, your pregnant
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
