Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize