I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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