A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Can you bring me the toilet please
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
