I accidentally burped into my bong.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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