I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
