My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
