i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
