Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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