Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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