How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
