I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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