we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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