Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Randomize
