i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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