i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
