Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
