I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
