i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
