Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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