Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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