I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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