I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Randomize
