would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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