Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
